Ever since I had Pinterest in about 2011, I’ve had this Pinterest board called “If I ever have kids”. I pin everything that I want to keep for when, well, I have kids. When I made it, I knew there probably weren’t going to be any kids soon. I was about 26 then, and there was no need to think about kids. But now I’m 33. And having kids is a serious issue for me. I feel like I’m running out of time. I think I really want to have kids, but just not now. But there isn’t going to be a later anymore in a few years.
Yes or no?
As far as I know, I’ve always wanted to have kids. I mean; I never not wanted to have kids, I think. My sister was 20 when she had her first kid, and I was 10. I was at her house all the time, so I know what it means to have a baby. My husband was 12 when he had a baby sister, so he also knows what it’s like. We both know how much effort it takes, so I think we are both very much aware of the impact it will have on our lives. But still, the general plan was to start a family one day.
When I made the Pinterest board, I just didn’t feel ready. But a few years later I got an eating disorder. And this makes things really complicated. I’m very ashamed to admit it, but I find the shape of my body more important than having a kid. It’s not a choice I make, but I don’t think I could handle being pregnant; an increasing scale can make me go crazy or even relapse. Or maybe I can, because I will be euphoric and all. But what if I can’t? I can’t possibly stop the process. What if I go nuts? I don’t want my baby to be born in a situation where I’m completely crazy or disordered. I don’t want to be an example of self-hate.
Also, I have my hands full with my own life and issues. I can’t even combine my current job with my household. I have no clue where even one baby would fit in. However, this would be totally fine without a job. So this is fixable, if I just don’t crash, but I generally know how to not crash now. My hub will soon earn a bit more and if I can create some income online, we will be fine. But, we aren’t there yet.
If I ever have kids, I will love them to bits and pieces, that’s for sure.
They say a baby isn’t like anything you can imagine. A friend recently told me that having a child makes everything else unimportant. Well that would be awesome.. What if I don’t give a shit about my body or size, or food anymore? Or what others think?
I keep thinking about this: I can imagine myself without kids at the age of 45, looking back with tons of regret and a gaping hole in my heart. But I can’t imagine myself at the age of 45, regretting that I have kids. 💕
In God I trust.
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